TRIAL & ERROR

First off...THANKS for the care package!!  I got TONS of stuff from my mom, gram, aunt, sister, and best friend!!  Loved getting sweet treats and notes from home!  Our executive Director was here last week and we spend a lot of time talking about the program, how it can be better, how I can be better and how everything is going.

I'm not sure if you saw my post last week.  It was pretty boring and more informational than anything...but feel free to skip back and give it a read.  The days go by so fast here, before I know it it's usually Friday, which is always a good thing...but it also means that we're already more than half way through the 1st semester and that going home is soon! My friend Adrienne and I were talking the other day that we're about 6 weeks out from heading home for Christmas...and I'm not gonna lie it made my heart ache a little! Not sure if that's a good or bad thing...I wonder what God's doing in it.  

Well actually I know what God's doing in it...He's changing it.  It's been an interesting few weeks here...but before I go into my explanation let me tell you that I love it here.  Please know and understand that the good days are great, and the bad days are great.  This is because I am exactly where God wants me, and I have peace and joy because of that, no matter what circumstances or challenges He sets before me.  

I don't usually process via my blog so hang in there with me if you'd like, and I apologize to those I haven't stayed in great contact with...my brain and heart have been so full!...So here's what's been going on my last few weeks:

"Teach believers with your life, by word, by demeanor, by love, by faith, by integrity."

-1 Timothy 4:12

Leading is hard.  Intentionally leading is harder.  Intentionally leading 24/7 is hardest.  Intentionally leading 24/7 in a foreign country is near impossible! (insert Matthew19:26 bible verse here!!) In all of my previous leadership experiences (of which I know they were all there to prepare me for this!) By God's grace I have been able to lead through my own life as an example and people came along side of me. Whether it was on the soccer field or classroom or life...it was natural, I was leading because I was in my element, and if people wanted to follow, they followed.  If they didn't like my leadership style, then they found a leadership style that they did like.  I just doing what I did...but not being super intentional about paying attention to those around me.  

Then God placed me here. With 12 students to lead. Intentionally. All day. Every day.  24/7.  

I love these kids.  I really, honest-to-goodness do.  I know I don't tell them enough or show them enough...but I do.  I love these kids so much that when they do something wrong or when i see them not living up to their God-given potential it hurts my heart.  I want the best that God has for them...but I want them to realize and want the best that God has for them, and do whatever it takes to get it.  It's hard.  I'm responsible for them, but I'm not responsible for them.  They are God's, they always have been and they always will be.  Their hearts are God's and I have to trust Him that He knows exactly where they're at and what they need.   If He uses me to play a small part in that, awesome.  But I can't take any credit for the good in their lives.  It's ALL GOD. ALL THE TIME.

What I am responsible for is me and my actions.  And I feel like I'm getting it wrong more than I'm getting it right.  I'm aware that feelings can be misleading and when looking at the bigger picture it may not be the case, but in and through Truth, God is challenging me and growing me.  He's using this time to point out flaws in my character that I need to work on...flaws that might only be seen through the magnifying glass that is God's word in this SCORE/GAP bubble I live in.  Flaws that no one else might pick up on, but those that God has pointed out in my heart.  So as I'm wrestling and searching and changing and growing I have pulled back a bit.  

"Test yourselves to make sure you are solid in the faith. Don’t drift along taking everything for granted. Give yourselves regular checkups. You need firsthand evidence, not mere hearsay, that Jesus Christ is in you. TEST IT OUT.  If you fail the test, do something about it. I hope the test won’t show that we have failed. But if it comes to that, we’d rather the test showed our failure than yours. We’re rooting for the truth to win out in you. 

We couldn’t possibly do otherwise.

We don’t just put up with our limitations; we celebrate them, and then go on to celebrate every strength, every triumph of the truth in you. We pray hard that it will all come together in your lives." 

-2 Corinthians 13:4-9 MSG

"Don’t drift along taking everything for granted. Give yourselves regular checkups. You need firsthand evidence, not mere hearsay, that Jesus Christ is in you."

==> Just because I'm a missionary (which is still very weird to say) it doesn't mean that I get a free God pass.  I could get very apathetic in my personal relationship because I figured that being here in a foreign country serving God is enough...it IS NOT enough.  I have to seek Jesus every.day. We all should be seeking every day no matter where we are or what we're doing.  It's weird to even call myself a missionary...never ever ever ever did I see this coming!  I have to keep myself in check...each month I have to compare to the month before to see if I am actually growing and learning.  I NEED FIRST HAND EVIDENCE that I'm growing.  WE ALL NEED FIRST HAND EVIDENCE.  If we don't have evidence, we need to do a serious heart check.  

"TEST IT OUT.  If you fail the test, do something about it." (CAPS & emphasis mine)

==> If you fail the test...DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  This is that part that is hard for me.  I don't like to fail, and I especially don't like people to see my struggle or fail.  Here's one conclusion I have come to...failing is ok.  Does failing say something about you, your awareness, and/or your efforts? ABSOLUTELY.  BUT SO DOES WHAT YOU DO WITH THAT FAILURE. "If you fail the test...DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT."  ok, so you failed...I failed.  NOW WHAT?  Am I going to let it happen again? You bet your bottom dollar I won't.  I can't.  I have to learn from it, I have to move forward, I have to be better for Jesus.  Why else would He allow me to be tested? 

I'm learning one of my biggest flaws is verbal communication.  I am not a good communicator, never have been.  I communicate best through my actions.  If I was frustrated I took it out on the soccer field...or on a punching bag...or on myself.  If I was uncomfortable in a situation I'd just stay silent and be as invisible as I could.  If I care about you, I will serve you, put your needs in front of my own, or remember the little things. Writing is easier than talking, and I love when I find a quote or a song lyric that perfectly describes what I'm feeling...because most times I can't.  So for me, being here, having to lead these kids more with words than actions...shewwwwwweeeeeee it's hard.  I've tried to skirt around it, by making jokes or ignoring certain situations to "see how they will work out" when in reality I hate confrontation and I hate not having the right words to say.  I know that now and i'm working on it.  I'm DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  I've had to apologize.  I'm changing the way I talk to them about things.  I'm having more one-on-one conversations. I'm figuring out the best ways to communicate with each student...and each student is different.  I'm changing...with Jesus' help and the help of others, of course!!  I am not in this alone, and I am grateful for that.  Communication is only one of the things that I have been working on...but I won't go into detail on the others...this blog is long enough already!

"We don’t just put up with our limitations; we celebrate them, and then go on to celebrate every strength, every triumph of the truth in you"

==>  I am so grateful for these situations, because without them I wouldn't be forced to correct them.  I wouldn't be getting better, becoming more Jesus-like, and be able to serve Him and others better.  I will celebrate my weaknesses because as I work on them, and Christ works in me He's the one that gets the glory. 

So that's just a little taste of my heart and what's been going on in my brain...sounds like fun...right??  Maybe not fun all the time, but necessary.  and good.  

Speaking of fun though...and to switch the subject to let you know that I am having fun: I learned how to play Dominican checkers, which is so much more intense than your averagecheckers games.  Of the Throusands of games I played with my Ghido as a kid...it was NOTHING compared to this!!

This weekend I got the weekend off!  I got to spend the night with Adrienne in Quisquaya, had dinner at Blanco's (one of our bus drivers) house, learned how to play Domino's, worked on a children's bible study, learned how to make Dominican coffee (well it actually was a huge fail, but I'm learning!), then we picked up our friends Karliegh and Sarah and went on a walk in Boca Chica, to lunch on the beach, did some shopping, introduced Sarah to Pentatonix and the awesome world of acappella (which Adrienne and Karliegh were already fans of...thanks GOD!), told stories, crossed lines, laughed, and just got to know one another better.  Oh and I got to drink coffee on Sarah's porch while it was cool and rainy...and it totally reminded me of my parents porch back home.  (Sometimes it's the little things)

Now I'm back to reality and life and realizing that it's the end of October already!  GAH! 

But all-in-all I'm here for God and it's awesome.  I'm here to grow my faith.  I'm here to expand my borders, my boundaries, and my lines. I'm here to be so far out of my comfort zone that I have to fully rely on God.  I'm here to let God lead me, and to show me where I need to change. And when I fail, I will get back up.  I will do something about it. I will not remain the same.  Life is too short for that. 

This song started stirring my heart months and months and months ago before being here was ever a thought in my head and it is a CONSTANT reminder for me:

 

So get out there...test yourself. Check your faith.  Where are you at spiritually compared to a month ago?  6 months ago? a year ago?  Have you stayed the same or are you growing?  If you've stayed the same...why? Maybe you don't have a real relationship, or a real need for faith...or maybe you've never thought about it before.  Maybe you should start.  If your life looks the same as it did a year ago...DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Pray to be lead to a place where your trust in God is limitless, to be taken to a place where your faith is deeper than you ever thought it could be, where your faith is the strongest it's ever been.  You won't regret it.  I promise!

Please continue to pray for me, that this change in communication styles will be effective, that I can see what works and what doesn't work and not be ashamed to admit my mistakes and change my actions.  Please pray that my pride will not get in the way of leading these kids better and more effectively.  Pray for the students and all that they are going through and all that they are processing through.  When Satan attacks them, he attacks me too!

I appreciate all of you, your support and your prayers!