Today marks my 30 ½ birthday! So many great things have happened in the
last 6 months and I’m so thankful to be at this stage in my life. God has shown me a lot about His character
and about my character over the past year and I’m learning to find the good
& purpose in every situation.
I’m almost at the end of my journal…which is a feat in
itself. There’s some sense of
completeness and gratification of completing something beginning to end, front
to back…it’s the same gratification I feel when I finish a tube chapstick
before losing it or washing & drying it. (I know…simple pleasures). One of my favorite parts about finishing a
journal, is flipping back to the beginning and reading through how far God has
brought me since I started. In this case
I started it last June (finishing it in under a year…also a big accomplishment
for me)…and when I was flipping through a Study/Reflection writing in September
caught my attention. Caught my attention
so much that although I remember writing it, I was in awe of what God was
speaking to me and what He prompted me to put down on that page and what an
awesome reminder it was for me still…so much so it brought tears to my eyes
when reading it a second time, and I’m sure will do so again as I write this to
share it with you.
Please know that this is me being incredibly vulnerable,
something I don’t do often…but with a gentle nudge I’m putting it out there. The
hopes if this helping you in any way outweighs my pride at this moment. This was something I wrote in early September…and I’m copying it here pretty much
word for word so bear with me. Some
reflections are my reaction to the verses and some are what I felt God was
trying to say to me, I hope you can follow it:
September 5, 2011
I’ve been struggling with my singleness for awhile now. I
just don’t know what I can do to be content with it. People are getting engaged all around
me. My sister is more content than I am,
but she’s busy and now has great friends and although I do too, they seem fewer
and far between. So in all of this I
signed up for Match.com to see where that could get me. It seemed it was a moment of weakness and loneliness
on my part. Having no plans for Labor
Day weekend, trying not to run home to Allegany every time I don’t have plans,
saving gas & being available if plans do come up. So I paid the money, made my profile,
uploaded pics and sought out cute guys from behind my computer screen. None seem to love Jesus & the only guys
who contact me are unattractive. There
seem to be a lot of nice guys out there and at times it’s tempting to write and
maybe just hang out, but that can’t lead to anywhere good, so I don’t even want
to try it or open that door. Plus not
one of the guys I think are cute have contacted me…which is fair because all
they really have to go on are my looks and I’m not the prettiest girl in
cyberspace.
All that said I’m taking Laura’s advice and trying to dress
more feminine, wear makeup, not wear soccer shorts, my man watch and I took out
most of my earrings. I wear perfume and
try to smile more…but nothing is working yet.
But if anyone can orchestrate a perfect meeting it’s God & can only
be God. As much as it is hard for me to
hope…it’s really all I have to hold onto right now. And yesterday his word spoke volumes to
me. It hit me. HARD.
“Wait, my daughter.”
–Ruth 3:18
--That’s all it said, and it’s all I needed to hear. Yes, it’s out of context, but at this time it
was the God of the universe speaking directly to my soul. WAIT.
My daughter…please wait. I am
coming, your husband is coming…just wait.
“Be careful, be quiet,
do not fear, and do not let your heart be faint.” –Isaiah 7:4 NIV
“Listen. Calm down.
Don’t be afraid & don’t panic.” –Isaiah 7:4 The Message
--Be careful who you talk to and how fast you give your
heart away, simply because you don’t want to be alone anymore. Calm down, be quiet and listen to the Holy
Spirit guiding you from the inside.
Don’t be afraid of this journey you are currently on, the loneliness
won’t last forever though sometimes it may seem that way.
“Be still and know
that I am God.” -Psalm 46:10
--Jaim, (or enter your name here) I’ve got you. Just chill out, I’ve got this…ALL of it. Trust me.
I. AM. GOD. It’ll happen, it’s a
process, don’t’ fight it…be still.
“Did I not tell you
that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” –John 11:40
--How long have you known Me? 12 years now? Have you not seen what I can
do? How life can change in the blink of
an eye? Just believe I can do this and
that I don’t need you. The change inside
is for you Jaime, not me. I can give you
a husband tomorrow no matter what you wear or how you look. The change is for you. The obedience is for your own good. And in all of this you will learn how to
glorify Me in any situation.
“Mary…sat at the
Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching…Mary has chosen the good portion…”
–Luke 10:39, 42
--In my singleness I have the good portion, I have the time
to sit at the Lord’s feet and listen to Him with no distraction and no
responsibility pulling me away. I need
to sit here as long as I possibly can…not rushing for it to change.
“Be still before the
Lord & wait patiently for him; fret not (don’t worry or be anxious)
yourself over the one who prospers in his way…” –Psalm 37:7
--Life is a game of patience, but I have to trust that God
doesn’t see it as a fun game but a necessary game. Don’t worry about all those who are engaged
or married, some of them were our of wrong motives and shallow decisions and
will reap the consequences. Just wait
for Me to make My move. Wait PATIENTLY,
without becoming annoyed or anxious…two things I’m not doing very well
with.
“Whoever believes will
not be in haste.” –Isaiah 28:16
--So is it a belief issue? Because I am definitely in haste.
(Haste definition: excessive speed or urgency of movement or action;
hurry.) It’s a trust & belief issue
in that I cannot breathe easy, I cannot be content. It’s not so far gone that I am taking matters
into my own hands & finding Mr. Right now, but I have to keep an eye on it
so it doesn’t become that way.
“What I am doing now you do not understand now, but
afterward you will understand.” –John 13:7
--How about I get a tattoo of this? Because it’s has to be
my new mantra! And He’s right: I. DON’T.
UNDERSTAND. I don’t get it. But I have to trust. I have to hope that it will all make sense
one day. But even an inkling of what
that reasoning is would be awesome.
And then He lead me to this, maybe this is the answer::
“You shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God
has lead you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you,
testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his
commandments or not.” –Deuteronomy
8:2
--I’m hoping I don’t have to stay “in the wilderness” for 40
years, but I get what He’s saying. My
faith is growing & being tested.
Maybe if I had gotten married a couple of years back my faith wouldn’t
have been strong enough to survive life with a husband & family. I would have gotten so busy loving, serving,
nurturing and living life that I would put my family above God, that my
relationship with God would be the first thing that I would drop. And when that foundation goes away, nothing
else has anything to stand on either and everything might have crumbled.
Thank you God for your every living Word. For Your patience with me as I process all of
this and come to the conclusion that You are in control of it all and I just
have to trust Your promises and believe that Your timing is perfect and that
you have my best interests in mind. That
this journey of mine is not in vain and through it all it is the relationship
between us that is the most important and needs to be the strongest.
