Me, Myself & Pride

I'm sitting here having a minor anxiety attack as I write...debating if I should write this blog, and how many drafts I have to write to get my words right.

Over the past couple weeks I have been asking God to show me ways that I need to change and to make clear to me the issues I need to address to help me grow and become more of a woman of God...and what satan has intended for evil, God is using for good...slowly and surely...I'm choosing to believe that He's using it for good.

PRIDE: it has reared it's ugly head again, and this time it has hurt someone other than me and that's not ok. It's a sucky situation, and I wish with everything that's within me that I could take it back...but unfortunately I cant and my only plan is to humbly move forward. But God new that this situation was exactly what I needed as a wake up call.

Left up to my own demise I would not change, I would fight it with everything that is within me. God knows this about me, and has put people in my life to help me see that change isn't bad, especially if that change brings me closer to God. But the last two years I have been on my journey haven't been easy...they have been challenging, but every once in awhile I am able to see some progress although I mess up...A LOT.

My pride is a defense mechanism, and a defense mechanism that I have fostered and strengthened for the past 28 years. It will not go away overnight and it won't go away with out a fight... And it sure as heck wont go away by just ignoring it. And lately I haven't been putting up much of a fight to get rid of it. Visualize me and my pride in a boxing ring going head to head. We trade punches, it knocks me down...I knock it down. Just when I think it's down for the count or when i get tired of fighting I walk away for awhile and go on with my life...but because I haven't actually killed it, it always comes back and cold-cocks me when I least expect it.

And so I fight, and will continue to fight because i made my pride as strong as it is and it should be my responsibility to defeat it, as long as I'm the only one getting bruised and hurt by my own creation i can handle it. Until last Friday when my pride punched my best friend in the gut. NOT COOL. A friend who has been in my corner for years fighting with me all along I allowed to be hurt by my pride...hurt bad.

And until now I have been blind to how many others my pride has hurt in the past...and how rotten and selfish it really is, how selfish and rotten and insecure I am. And to those people i have hurt, I apologize. My pride has always won because it convinces me that I don't deserve the help and will always have to do it alone. So the gloves are coming off...but the best part is that i am not fighting alone. I not only have my best friend in my corner, I have the Champion of the Universe, the Holy Spirit on my side, and have to rely on Him to fight the big fight.

 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God." -Romans 8:26-27

What more will I sacrifice? What more will I miss out on? Who else will I hurt? Who else will i turn away? What opportunities to share Christ have i missed? And who have I turned away from Christ?

It's it time and am I able?

- to give up this control and finally let God have 100% of my life?
- trust He will kill all of my inner demons?
- let those self-made walls crumble to let new walls build up on Christ as the foundation?

But really...Who am I to think I have any control in all of this? If i've done anything it is to give Christians a bad name because of my stubbornness. God does not need me to do His work, but I do need Him.

 "Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God's Message to you? Are you going to continue this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you weren't smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it? Did you go through this whole painful learning process for nothing? It is not yet a total loss, but it certainly will be if you keep this up!" -Galatians 3:2-4 (The Message)

God, I pray that my life is not a total loss for You and Your kingdom. I'm sorry for hanging onto my pride for so long and by that inviting Satan to have a foothold in my life. I pray that my relationship with You is restored, that my relationship with others be restored...ones that I have let my pride hurt, ruin or cut short because I was afraid of telling the truth or be anything less than cool and perfect. Because being humble and vulnerable is the only way that You will get the glory in the midst of my life and your grace will be apparent.