The Big 3-0

Well…I did it, I turned 30.  Not that I had any choice, but decided to step into this new decade as gracefully as I could and not dread it.  And awesome friends and family made it the best birthday yet, so it’s definitely off to a good start.

 

I’ve been told by numerous people that my 30s will be the best decade yet.  “The drama is behind you”, “You know who you are”, “Thirty, flirty and thriving.” 

 

I am not ashamed of 30, I don’t feel 30 and many people would say that I don’t look 30, it’s just a number and I’m excited for this new phase of my life. 30 is where it’s at.  After all…what was so great about my 20’s?

 

There is one thing that was great about my 20s: I found Jesus and got to know Him better.  Granted I first met Jesus when I was 17, let Him be my Savior at 18, and started to know about Him at 19, but it was when I was 20…the amazing summer of 2001 when I started that personal relationship with Him and intentionally started to get to know Him and how much He loves me. 

 

God has been protecting my heart for 30 years…even during those years when I had no idea how much I was hurting Him and sinning against Him with my selfishness and pride.  Sure those who knew me back then could see that I have always been servant minded and had a heart for loving family and friends and would do anything for anyone…that was God all along and I never knew it.  But the motivation behind those good works was so selfish. I figured that I could earn my way into heaven if I did enough good things. I was also doing those things because I wanted to be liked and accepted, I wanted to feel valued and not left out.  I figured that if people needed me than they would keep me around. Human motivation. SELFISH MOTIVATION.

 

And although I do those same things…my motivation has changed because I know Jesus and realize that I cannot earn my way into heaven.  I serve others to show them the love that God has shown me.  To show them that there is something different in me, that I have been called to a higher standard. That when I don’t feel like doing something, or when I’m tired…it doesn’t matter, that I will put others above myself just as Jesus put me above Himself when He died for me. And if He was willing to do that for me…He has done that for you.

 

Jesus loves me and gave His life for me, not because of how good a person I am in the worlds view, or how many good things I do for other people, just because I am his creation…as you are (John 3:16).  I now know and truly believe that I did nothing to earn His love, and that the forgiveness of our sins is a gift of grace (Ephesians 2:8-9), and nothing that I could do could make him love me any more or any less.  But think about it: If I could earn my way into heaven by the things that I do here on earth, then why did Jesus have to die?  Jesus is the only way, the only truth, and the only life. No one will come to the Father but by Jesus (John14:6).  No one gets to heaven unless they KNOW Jesus…not just know about Him (heck, even Satan knew about Him), but have realized and believed that we need to stop running from God, turn and run TOWARDS God, and all that He has for us.  

 

“At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, 6 whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.”  -Titus 3:3-7

 

So, yes…I know I’m going to heaven, not because I stop in the middle of a run to mow an elderly ladies yard, but because I have a relationship with Jesus, the creator of the universe, and the creator of you and me. 

 

Do you have a relationship with Jesus?  You can!

My friend Laura has written about how you can know Jesus in her blog, and I pray that you check it out. (http://laura-lewis.blogspot.com/2011/10/i-wish-i-knew.html)

 

With this faith, truth and love I willingly enter my 30s excited to see what else God has in store for me and hoping to share it with all of you.

Pride Strikes Out

Those who know me best know that I thrive on competition, I mean…just look at the title of my Blog.  But when I really look closely at the reasons why I love sports and competition, which I’ve done this week, they’re not great reasons…they’re prideful reasons.

Before I get into those reasons, let me set the scene for you.  In October 2010 God allowed me to become a small group leader at Vintage (we call them “eGroups”) again.    This was after a 10 month break from taking a break from being a leader.  So now I have a new outlook on leading, or rather facilitating God’s leading, and have some awesome girls join my group.  This past semester of eGroups has been an amazing one and I have been blessed by being able to see the transformation in 2 girls between January and now.  (Now you’re somewhat caught up.)

For the past few summers I have played softball, soccer or both.  It’s a great time to get outdoors, meet new people (most of the teams that I started on I didn’t know anyone), and get some exercise.  And I figured this summer would be the same.  I haven’t found a decent soccer team, so this year I was fine with just playing softball (and my knees and ankles were thanking me).  I’ve been playing on the Chapel Women’s Softball team on Tuesday nights (the same night as Vintage) for the past 2 summers and having a great time…so why would this year be any different??

Because God wanted me to stay an eGroup leader, but not only that God wanted me to choose Him over me & my pride.

WAIT…WHAT!??!?

The greater lesson in this is that God wanted me to choose Him over my pride.

I know.  It’s a hard pill for me to swallow…and not the automatic choice for me.  But it is a choice. 

Left up to me alone I would have chosen softball…and initially I did.  I can pretty much convince myself of anything:

 - There are only 2 girls left in my group and by June there might only be 1.

 - I’m an inadequate small group leader at best and the 1 or 2 girls could flourish better with another eGroup leader

 - It’s only for a couple of months

 - I deserve a break

 - I’ll do fine without hearing the message every week

 - Maybe I can still meet with the girls after Vintage or another day of the week to continue the group and talk about God

But God, in the midst of this was gently tugging at my heart…not forcing me to do anything, but not letting it go either.  And then I really felt the need to be honest with myself about why I wanted to play softball so badly:

 - I am good at softball

 - I want people to look to me to lead

 - I want to be liked and accepted

 - I can easily encourage and give advice

 - I like the self-confidence I have on the field

 - It’s not a challenge

 - I want to be the hero

 - I want to be praised

When I look at this list through the lens of all I have been learning about God, humility, sacrifice and pride that’s all I see: PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE.  And it’s ugly.  How blinded have I been by my selfishness all these years?  But even that alone isn’t enough to convince me to do the thing that I know in my heart is right.

The real question that kept running through my head: “Am I choosing something easy like softball where I can rely on myself rather than something hard like eGroup and rely on God?”

So I prayed and sought God…secretly hoping that I wouldn’t hear from Him so I could not feel guilty about playing softball.  And THE. VERY. NEXT. DAY. He gave me these verses while I was doing devotions:

PRIDE STRIKE #1: Jeremiah 45:5a (NLT)

“Are you seeking great things for yourself? Don’t do it!”

-- Ummmm…seriously God???…you lead with that!?!  And if that’s not clear enough…

PRIDE STRIKE #2: 1 Corinthians 13: 4-5 (NLT)

“Love…does not demand it’s own way.”

-- When I committed my life to following Christ twelve years ago, I committed to surrender everything and demand nothing.  Pride has demanded a lot over my lifetime, but no longer in this situation.

PRIDE STRIKE #3: Philippians 2:3-4 (NLT)

“Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.”

-- I was doing exactly the opposite choosing softball.  I was being selfish.  I was trying to impress others.  I was not thinking of the lives of my eGroup girls as better than myself.  I was looking out for my own interests…Yup, God…you got me.

Honestly, this is one of the hardest decisions I have had to make in a LONG time.  And even after God so directly spoke to me through His Word, I tried to convince myself otherwise.  But finally, FINALLY…for once I was more afraid of letting God down by not obeying Him than I was about letting my team & coach down. 

Softball was about me. Sports, for the most part, were always about me being good enough so that people liked me and wanted to be my friend. And now God is teaching me to lay down my life, my wants, my desires for the sake of others, for those girls in my eGroup.  Whether people like me or not is no longer my concern, what only concerns me is what God thinks about me, and choosing to obey Him.  

And even through this painful choice that goes against everything I was for the past 30 years I am encouraged.

“For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him & the power to do what pleases him.” – Philippians 2:13 (emphasis mine)

“God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.”  - Hebrews 6:10 (emphasis mine)

“Care for the flock that God has entrusted to you. Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly—not for what you will get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God. Don’t lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your own good example. And when the Great Shepherd appears, you will receive a crown of never-ending glory and honor… And all of you, serve each other in humility, for ‘God opposes the proud but favors the humble.’ So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.  In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.”  -1 Peter 5:2-6, 10 (emphasis mine)

I’m not saying that God is asking me to give up sports forever, but He is at this time so that for this time I can humble myself, love my eGroup girls, and choose to obey Him. 

Pride struck out this once, but it’s not the end of the game.  Pride will be up to bat again I’m sure. 

But for this time…PRIDE, YOU’RE OUTTA HERE!

TGIF

Thank. God. It's. Friday.

Thank God for the one Friday that changed the course of history.

Isaiah 53:1-6 (New Living Translation)

 ¹ "Who has believed our message?
      To whom has the Lord revealed his powerful arm?
 ² My servant grew up in the Lord’s presence like a tender green shoot, like a root in dry ground.
   There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance,
      nothing to attract us to him.
 ³ He was despised and rejected—
      a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
   We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
      He was despised, and we did not care.

 ⁴ Yet it was our weaknesses he carried;
      it was our sorrows^[a] that weighed him down.
   And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God,
      a punishment for his own sins!
 ⁵ But he was pierced for our rebellion,
      crushed for our sins.
   He was beaten so we could be whole.
      He was whipped so we could be healed.
 ⁶ All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.
      We have left God’s paths to follow our own.
   Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all."

These verses have come up on three different occasions the past couple weeks, and when that happens, as a God fearing, Bible believer...you know that God is trying to speak to you.  And boy did He....especially since i'm working through some self-reliance, pride & shame issues and double especially on this Good Friday evening.

While sifting through the layers of my past experiences, past sins pop up right and left...and most I have dealt with and asked forgiveness for...but there are a few that I seem to hold onto.  Not because I'm not sorry that I have done them, not that I'm proud of them, but in some ways if I hold onto them and the feelings of guilt and shame that comes along with those memories...I feel like it keeps me from doing them again.  Enter the sin of self-reliance.  If I could fix myself...if the things that I have done (good or bad) impacted my future in heaven, if I can right all the wrongs myself, then why did Jesus have to die? 

My pride comes into play..."I got myself into this, I can get myself out."  Then self-reliance..."I don't need anyone's help."  And shame..."I did this to myself, and I have to live with the emotional consequences and no one else ever has to know what I did."  But then I look at the cross.  The cross where Jesus died for all...ALL...of my sins: past, present, & future...and you'll find that God takes it a step further in vs. 5-6:

  "But he was pierced for our rebellion,  crushed for our sins.  He was beaten so we could be whole.  He was whipped so we could be healed.  All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.  We have left God’s paths to follow our own.  Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all."

Everything that we hang onto from our past, everything that we do not give to the Lord, everything that keeps us from being whole and healed is an insult to God.  Jesus was beaten so we could be whole.  Who are we, who am I to say that I know better than God does of how to handle my past and fix me so I can be whole again??  Who am I to say that "nope, Jesus...that beating wasn't necessary, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but I got this...you went through it for nothing...I like being in pieces."  Seriously!?!  I'm going to be so rough & tough, so selfish & stupid to say to the creator of the universe that he was wrong??  That I like being broken?  The same goes for the next line too: Jesus was whipped so we could be healed.  People...this isn't your typical "i'll-bend-you-over-my-knee-and-give-you-a-whippin'" whipping...this was a "whip-you-so-hard-your-guts-fall-out-and-most-people-don't-even-survive-this" whipping.  Who am I to say "Jesus, that whipping was unnecessary...I like being broken."

Jesus suffered for hours on that Friday so I could be a complete person again.  Jesus hung there on a cross and died so that I may know freedom & forgiveness...to cleanse us of our sins and one day live with Him in heaven.

Although I have had a relationship with Jesus for 12 years now, as long as I hang onto anything that keeps me from being whole & healed, my life will continue to be an insult to God.  And I don't want that to be the case anymore.  Relying on someone else is hard...surrendering you life in faith is even harder, but it shouldn't be when that person is the One who made the heavens and the earth.  The One who provides all my needs, the One who has never let me down, the One who knows how many hairs are on my head and grains of sand in the world.

It's time to completely surrender.  Jesus' efforts will no longer be in vain for my life. 

Me, Myself & Pride

I'm sitting here having a minor anxiety attack as I write...debating if I should write this blog, and how many drafts I have to write to get my words right.

Over the past couple weeks I have been asking God to show me ways that I need to change and to make clear to me the issues I need to address to help me grow and become more of a woman of God...and what satan has intended for evil, God is using for good...slowly and surely...I'm choosing to believe that He's using it for good.

PRIDE: it has reared it's ugly head again, and this time it has hurt someone other than me and that's not ok. It's a sucky situation, and I wish with everything that's within me that I could take it back...but unfortunately I cant and my only plan is to humbly move forward. But God new that this situation was exactly what I needed as a wake up call.

Left up to my own demise I would not change, I would fight it with everything that is within me. God knows this about me, and has put people in my life to help me see that change isn't bad, especially if that change brings me closer to God. But the last two years I have been on my journey haven't been easy...they have been challenging, but every once in awhile I am able to see some progress although I mess up...A LOT.

My pride is a defense mechanism, and a defense mechanism that I have fostered and strengthened for the past 28 years. It will not go away overnight and it won't go away with out a fight... And it sure as heck wont go away by just ignoring it. And lately I haven't been putting up much of a fight to get rid of it. Visualize me and my pride in a boxing ring going head to head. We trade punches, it knocks me down...I knock it down. Just when I think it's down for the count or when i get tired of fighting I walk away for awhile and go on with my life...but because I haven't actually killed it, it always comes back and cold-cocks me when I least expect it.

And so I fight, and will continue to fight because i made my pride as strong as it is and it should be my responsibility to defeat it, as long as I'm the only one getting bruised and hurt by my own creation i can handle it. Until last Friday when my pride punched my best friend in the gut. NOT COOL. A friend who has been in my corner for years fighting with me all along I allowed to be hurt by my pride...hurt bad.

And until now I have been blind to how many others my pride has hurt in the past...and how rotten and selfish it really is, how selfish and rotten and insecure I am. And to those people i have hurt, I apologize. My pride has always won because it convinces me that I don't deserve the help and will always have to do it alone. So the gloves are coming off...but the best part is that i am not fighting alone. I not only have my best friend in my corner, I have the Champion of the Universe, the Holy Spirit on my side, and have to rely on Him to fight the big fight.

 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God." -Romans 8:26-27

What more will I sacrifice? What more will I miss out on? Who else will I hurt? Who else will i turn away? What opportunities to share Christ have i missed? And who have I turned away from Christ?

It's it time and am I able?

- to give up this control and finally let God have 100% of my life?
- trust He will kill all of my inner demons?
- let those self-made walls crumble to let new walls build up on Christ as the foundation?

But really...Who am I to think I have any control in all of this? If i've done anything it is to give Christians a bad name because of my stubbornness. God does not need me to do His work, but I do need Him.

 "Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God's Message to you? Are you going to continue this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you weren't smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it? Did you go through this whole painful learning process for nothing? It is not yet a total loss, but it certainly will be if you keep this up!" -Galatians 3:2-4 (The Message)

God, I pray that my life is not a total loss for You and Your kingdom. I'm sorry for hanging onto my pride for so long and by that inviting Satan to have a foothold in my life. I pray that my relationship with You is restored, that my relationship with others be restored...ones that I have let my pride hurt, ruin or cut short because I was afraid of telling the truth or be anything less than cool and perfect. Because being humble and vulnerable is the only way that You will get the glory in the midst of my life and your grace will be apparent.