Those who know me best know that I thrive on competition, I mean…just look at the title of my Blog. But when I really look closely at the reasons why I love sports and competition, which I’ve done this week, they’re not great reasons…they’re prideful reasons.
Before I get into those reasons, let me set the scene for you. In October 2010 God allowed me to become a small group leader at Vintage (we call them “eGroups”) again. This was after a 10 month break from taking a break from being a leader. So now I have a new outlook on leading, or rather facilitating God’s leading, and have some awesome girls join my group. This past semester of eGroups has been an amazing one and I have been blessed by being able to see the transformation in 2 girls between January and now. (Now you’re somewhat caught up.)
For the past few summers I have played softball, soccer or both. It’s a great time to get outdoors, meet new people (most of the teams that I started on I didn’t know anyone), and get some exercise. And I figured this summer would be the same. I haven’t found a decent soccer team, so this year I was fine with just playing softball (and my knees and ankles were thanking me). I’ve been playing on the Chapel Women’s Softball team on Tuesday nights (the same night as Vintage) for the past 2 summers and having a great time…so why would this year be any different??
Because God wanted me to stay an eGroup leader, but not only that God wanted me to choose Him over me & my pride.
WAIT…WHAT!??!?
The greater lesson in this is that God wanted me to choose Him over my pride.
I know. It’s a hard pill for me to swallow…and not the automatic choice for me. But it is a choice.
Left up to me alone I would have chosen softball…and initially I did. I can pretty much convince myself of anything:
- There are only 2 girls left in my group and by June there might only be 1.
- I’m an inadequate small group leader at best and the 1 or 2 girls could flourish better with another eGroup leader
- It’s only for a couple of months
- I deserve a break
- I’ll do fine without hearing the message every week
- Maybe I can still meet with the girls after Vintage or another day of the week to continue the group and talk about God
But God, in the midst of this was gently tugging at my heart…not forcing me to do anything, but not letting it go either. And then I really felt the need to be honest with myself about why I wanted to play softball so badly:
- I am good at softball
- I want people to look to me to lead
- I want to be liked and accepted
- I can easily encourage and give advice
- I like the self-confidence I have on the field
- It’s not a challenge
- I want to be the hero
- I want to be praised
When I look at this list through the lens of all I have been learning about God, humility, sacrifice and pride that’s all I see: PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE. And it’s ugly. How blinded have I been by my selfishness all these years? But even that alone isn’t enough to convince me to do the thing that I know in my heart is right.
The real question that kept running through my head: “Am I choosing something easy like softball where I can rely on myself rather than something hard like eGroup and rely on God?”
So I prayed and sought God…secretly hoping that I wouldn’t hear from Him so I could not feel guilty about playing softball. And THE. VERY. NEXT. DAY. He gave me these verses while I was doing devotions:
PRIDE STRIKE #1: Jeremiah 45:5a (NLT)
“Are you seeking great things for yourself? Don’t do it!”
-- Ummmm…seriously God???…you lead with that!?! And if that’s not clear enough…
PRIDE STRIKE #2: 1 Corinthians 13: 4-5 (NLT)
“Love…does not demand it’s own way.”
-- When I committed my life to following Christ twelve years ago, I committed to surrender everything and demand nothing. Pride has demanded a lot over my lifetime, but no longer in this situation.
PRIDE STRIKE #3: Philippians 2:3-4 (NLT)
“Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.”
-- I was doing exactly the opposite choosing softball. I was being selfish. I was trying to impress others. I was not thinking of the lives of my eGroup girls as better than myself. I was looking out for my own interests…Yup, God…you got me.
Honestly, this is one of the hardest decisions I have had to make in a LONG time. And even after God so directly spoke to me through His Word, I tried to convince myself otherwise. But finally, FINALLY…for once I was more afraid of letting God down by not obeying Him than I was about letting my team & coach down.
Softball was about me. Sports, for the most part, were always about me being good enough so that people liked me and wanted to be my friend. And now God is teaching me to lay down my life, my wants, my desires for the sake of others, for those girls in my eGroup. Whether people like me or not is no longer my concern, what only concerns me is what God thinks about me, and choosing to obey Him.
And even through this painful choice that goes against everything I was for the past 30 years I am encouraged.
“For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him & the power to do what pleases him.” – Philippians 2:13 (emphasis mine)
“God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.” - Hebrews 6:10 (emphasis mine)
“Care for the flock that God has entrusted to you. Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly—not for what you will get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God. Don’t lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your own good example. And when the Great Shepherd appears, you will receive a crown of never-ending glory and honor… And all of you, serve each other in humility, for ‘God opposes the proud but favors the humble.’ So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.” -1 Peter 5:2-6, 10 (emphasis mine)
I’m not saying that God is asking me to give up sports forever, but He is at this time so that for this time I can humble myself, love my eGroup girls, and choose to obey Him.
Pride struck out this once, but it’s not the end of the game. Pride will be up to bat again I’m sure.
But for this time…PRIDE, YOU’RE OUTTA HERE!
