The Big 3-0

Well…I did it, I turned 30.  Not that I had any choice, but decided to step into this new decade as gracefully as I could and not dread it.  And awesome friends and family made it the best birthday yet, so it’s definitely off to a good start.

 

I’ve been told by numerous people that my 30s will be the best decade yet.  “The drama is behind you”, “You know who you are”, “Thirty, flirty and thriving.” 

 

I am not ashamed of 30, I don’t feel 30 and many people would say that I don’t look 30, it’s just a number and I’m excited for this new phase of my life. 30 is where it’s at.  After all…what was so great about my 20’s?

 

There is one thing that was great about my 20s: I found Jesus and got to know Him better.  Granted I first met Jesus when I was 17, let Him be my Savior at 18, and started to know about Him at 19, but it was when I was 20…the amazing summer of 2001 when I started that personal relationship with Him and intentionally started to get to know Him and how much He loves me. 

 

God has been protecting my heart for 30 years…even during those years when I had no idea how much I was hurting Him and sinning against Him with my selfishness and pride.  Sure those who knew me back then could see that I have always been servant minded and had a heart for loving family and friends and would do anything for anyone…that was God all along and I never knew it.  But the motivation behind those good works was so selfish. I figured that I could earn my way into heaven if I did enough good things. I was also doing those things because I wanted to be liked and accepted, I wanted to feel valued and not left out.  I figured that if people needed me than they would keep me around. Human motivation. SELFISH MOTIVATION.

 

And although I do those same things…my motivation has changed because I know Jesus and realize that I cannot earn my way into heaven.  I serve others to show them the love that God has shown me.  To show them that there is something different in me, that I have been called to a higher standard. That when I don’t feel like doing something, or when I’m tired…it doesn’t matter, that I will put others above myself just as Jesus put me above Himself when He died for me. And if He was willing to do that for me…He has done that for you.

 

Jesus loves me and gave His life for me, not because of how good a person I am in the worlds view, or how many good things I do for other people, just because I am his creation…as you are (John 3:16).  I now know and truly believe that I did nothing to earn His love, and that the forgiveness of our sins is a gift of grace (Ephesians 2:8-9), and nothing that I could do could make him love me any more or any less.  But think about it: If I could earn my way into heaven by the things that I do here on earth, then why did Jesus have to die?  Jesus is the only way, the only truth, and the only life. No one will come to the Father but by Jesus (John14:6).  No one gets to heaven unless they KNOW Jesus…not just know about Him (heck, even Satan knew about Him), but have realized and believed that we need to stop running from God, turn and run TOWARDS God, and all that He has for us.  

 

“At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, 6 whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.”  -Titus 3:3-7

 

So, yes…I know I’m going to heaven, not because I stop in the middle of a run to mow an elderly ladies yard, but because I have a relationship with Jesus, the creator of the universe, and the creator of you and me. 

 

Do you have a relationship with Jesus?  You can!

My friend Laura has written about how you can know Jesus in her blog, and I pray that you check it out. (http://laura-lewis.blogspot.com/2011/10/i-wish-i-knew.html)

 

With this faith, truth and love I willingly enter my 30s excited to see what else God has in store for me and hoping to share it with all of you.

Pride Strikes Out

Those who know me best know that I thrive on competition, I mean…just look at the title of my Blog.  But when I really look closely at the reasons why I love sports and competition, which I’ve done this week, they’re not great reasons…they’re prideful reasons.

Before I get into those reasons, let me set the scene for you.  In October 2010 God allowed me to become a small group leader at Vintage (we call them “eGroups”) again.    This was after a 10 month break from taking a break from being a leader.  So now I have a new outlook on leading, or rather facilitating God’s leading, and have some awesome girls join my group.  This past semester of eGroups has been an amazing one and I have been blessed by being able to see the transformation in 2 girls between January and now.  (Now you’re somewhat caught up.)

For the past few summers I have played softball, soccer or both.  It’s a great time to get outdoors, meet new people (most of the teams that I started on I didn’t know anyone), and get some exercise.  And I figured this summer would be the same.  I haven’t found a decent soccer team, so this year I was fine with just playing softball (and my knees and ankles were thanking me).  I’ve been playing on the Chapel Women’s Softball team on Tuesday nights (the same night as Vintage) for the past 2 summers and having a great time…so why would this year be any different??

Because God wanted me to stay an eGroup leader, but not only that God wanted me to choose Him over me & my pride.

WAIT…WHAT!??!?

The greater lesson in this is that God wanted me to choose Him over my pride.

I know.  It’s a hard pill for me to swallow…and not the automatic choice for me.  But it is a choice. 

Left up to me alone I would have chosen softball…and initially I did.  I can pretty much convince myself of anything:

 - There are only 2 girls left in my group and by June there might only be 1.

 - I’m an inadequate small group leader at best and the 1 or 2 girls could flourish better with another eGroup leader

 - It’s only for a couple of months

 - I deserve a break

 - I’ll do fine without hearing the message every week

 - Maybe I can still meet with the girls after Vintage or another day of the week to continue the group and talk about God

But God, in the midst of this was gently tugging at my heart…not forcing me to do anything, but not letting it go either.  And then I really felt the need to be honest with myself about why I wanted to play softball so badly:

 - I am good at softball

 - I want people to look to me to lead

 - I want to be liked and accepted

 - I can easily encourage and give advice

 - I like the self-confidence I have on the field

 - It’s not a challenge

 - I want to be the hero

 - I want to be praised

When I look at this list through the lens of all I have been learning about God, humility, sacrifice and pride that’s all I see: PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE.  And it’s ugly.  How blinded have I been by my selfishness all these years?  But even that alone isn’t enough to convince me to do the thing that I know in my heart is right.

The real question that kept running through my head: “Am I choosing something easy like softball where I can rely on myself rather than something hard like eGroup and rely on God?”

So I prayed and sought God…secretly hoping that I wouldn’t hear from Him so I could not feel guilty about playing softball.  And THE. VERY. NEXT. DAY. He gave me these verses while I was doing devotions:

PRIDE STRIKE #1: Jeremiah 45:5a (NLT)

“Are you seeking great things for yourself? Don’t do it!”

-- Ummmm…seriously God???…you lead with that!?!  And if that’s not clear enough…

PRIDE STRIKE #2: 1 Corinthians 13: 4-5 (NLT)

“Love…does not demand it’s own way.”

-- When I committed my life to following Christ twelve years ago, I committed to surrender everything and demand nothing.  Pride has demanded a lot over my lifetime, but no longer in this situation.

PRIDE STRIKE #3: Philippians 2:3-4 (NLT)

“Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.”

-- I was doing exactly the opposite choosing softball.  I was being selfish.  I was trying to impress others.  I was not thinking of the lives of my eGroup girls as better than myself.  I was looking out for my own interests…Yup, God…you got me.

Honestly, this is one of the hardest decisions I have had to make in a LONG time.  And even after God so directly spoke to me through His Word, I tried to convince myself otherwise.  But finally, FINALLY…for once I was more afraid of letting God down by not obeying Him than I was about letting my team & coach down. 

Softball was about me. Sports, for the most part, were always about me being good enough so that people liked me and wanted to be my friend. And now God is teaching me to lay down my life, my wants, my desires for the sake of others, for those girls in my eGroup.  Whether people like me or not is no longer my concern, what only concerns me is what God thinks about me, and choosing to obey Him.  

And even through this painful choice that goes against everything I was for the past 30 years I am encouraged.

“For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him & the power to do what pleases him.” – Philippians 2:13 (emphasis mine)

“God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.”  - Hebrews 6:10 (emphasis mine)

“Care for the flock that God has entrusted to you. Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly—not for what you will get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God. Don’t lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your own good example. And when the Great Shepherd appears, you will receive a crown of never-ending glory and honor… And all of you, serve each other in humility, for ‘God opposes the proud but favors the humble.’ So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.  In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.”  -1 Peter 5:2-6, 10 (emphasis mine)

I’m not saying that God is asking me to give up sports forever, but He is at this time so that for this time I can humble myself, love my eGroup girls, and choose to obey Him. 

Pride struck out this once, but it’s not the end of the game.  Pride will be up to bat again I’m sure. 

But for this time…PRIDE, YOU’RE OUTTA HERE!

TGIF

Thank. God. It's. Friday.

Thank God for the one Friday that changed the course of history.

Isaiah 53:1-6 (New Living Translation)

 ¹ "Who has believed our message?
      To whom has the Lord revealed his powerful arm?
 ² My servant grew up in the Lord’s presence like a tender green shoot, like a root in dry ground.
   There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance,
      nothing to attract us to him.
 ³ He was despised and rejected—
      a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
   We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
      He was despised, and we did not care.

 ⁴ Yet it was our weaknesses he carried;
      it was our sorrows^[a] that weighed him down.
   And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God,
      a punishment for his own sins!
 ⁵ But he was pierced for our rebellion,
      crushed for our sins.
   He was beaten so we could be whole.
      He was whipped so we could be healed.
 ⁶ All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.
      We have left God’s paths to follow our own.
   Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all."

These verses have come up on three different occasions the past couple weeks, and when that happens, as a God fearing, Bible believer...you know that God is trying to speak to you.  And boy did He....especially since i'm working through some self-reliance, pride & shame issues and double especially on this Good Friday evening.

While sifting through the layers of my past experiences, past sins pop up right and left...and most I have dealt with and asked forgiveness for...but there are a few that I seem to hold onto.  Not because I'm not sorry that I have done them, not that I'm proud of them, but in some ways if I hold onto them and the feelings of guilt and shame that comes along with those memories...I feel like it keeps me from doing them again.  Enter the sin of self-reliance.  If I could fix myself...if the things that I have done (good or bad) impacted my future in heaven, if I can right all the wrongs myself, then why did Jesus have to die? 

My pride comes into play..."I got myself into this, I can get myself out."  Then self-reliance..."I don't need anyone's help."  And shame..."I did this to myself, and I have to live with the emotional consequences and no one else ever has to know what I did."  But then I look at the cross.  The cross where Jesus died for all...ALL...of my sins: past, present, & future...and you'll find that God takes it a step further in vs. 5-6:

  "But he was pierced for our rebellion,  crushed for our sins.  He was beaten so we could be whole.  He was whipped so we could be healed.  All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.  We have left God’s paths to follow our own.  Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all."

Everything that we hang onto from our past, everything that we do not give to the Lord, everything that keeps us from being whole and healed is an insult to God.  Jesus was beaten so we could be whole.  Who are we, who am I to say that I know better than God does of how to handle my past and fix me so I can be whole again??  Who am I to say that "nope, Jesus...that beating wasn't necessary, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but I got this...you went through it for nothing...I like being in pieces."  Seriously!?!  I'm going to be so rough & tough, so selfish & stupid to say to the creator of the universe that he was wrong??  That I like being broken?  The same goes for the next line too: Jesus was whipped so we could be healed.  People...this isn't your typical "i'll-bend-you-over-my-knee-and-give-you-a-whippin'" whipping...this was a "whip-you-so-hard-your-guts-fall-out-and-most-people-don't-even-survive-this" whipping.  Who am I to say "Jesus, that whipping was unnecessary...I like being broken."

Jesus suffered for hours on that Friday so I could be a complete person again.  Jesus hung there on a cross and died so that I may know freedom & forgiveness...to cleanse us of our sins and one day live with Him in heaven.

Although I have had a relationship with Jesus for 12 years now, as long as I hang onto anything that keeps me from being whole & healed, my life will continue to be an insult to God.  And I don't want that to be the case anymore.  Relying on someone else is hard...surrendering you life in faith is even harder, but it shouldn't be when that person is the One who made the heavens and the earth.  The One who provides all my needs, the One who has never let me down, the One who knows how many hairs are on my head and grains of sand in the world.

It's time to completely surrender.  Jesus' efforts will no longer be in vain for my life. 

Me, Myself & Pride

I'm sitting here having a minor anxiety attack as I write...debating if I should write this blog, and how many drafts I have to write to get my words right.

Over the past couple weeks I have been asking God to show me ways that I need to change and to make clear to me the issues I need to address to help me grow and become more of a woman of God...and what satan has intended for evil, God is using for good...slowly and surely...I'm choosing to believe that He's using it for good.

PRIDE: it has reared it's ugly head again, and this time it has hurt someone other than me and that's not ok. It's a sucky situation, and I wish with everything that's within me that I could take it back...but unfortunately I cant and my only plan is to humbly move forward. But God new that this situation was exactly what I needed as a wake up call.

Left up to my own demise I would not change, I would fight it with everything that is within me. God knows this about me, and has put people in my life to help me see that change isn't bad, especially if that change brings me closer to God. But the last two years I have been on my journey haven't been easy...they have been challenging, but every once in awhile I am able to see some progress although I mess up...A LOT.

My pride is a defense mechanism, and a defense mechanism that I have fostered and strengthened for the past 28 years. It will not go away overnight and it won't go away with out a fight... And it sure as heck wont go away by just ignoring it. And lately I haven't been putting up much of a fight to get rid of it. Visualize me and my pride in a boxing ring going head to head. We trade punches, it knocks me down...I knock it down. Just when I think it's down for the count or when i get tired of fighting I walk away for awhile and go on with my life...but because I haven't actually killed it, it always comes back and cold-cocks me when I least expect it.

And so I fight, and will continue to fight because i made my pride as strong as it is and it should be my responsibility to defeat it, as long as I'm the only one getting bruised and hurt by my own creation i can handle it. Until last Friday when my pride punched my best friend in the gut. NOT COOL. A friend who has been in my corner for years fighting with me all along I allowed to be hurt by my pride...hurt bad.

And until now I have been blind to how many others my pride has hurt in the past...and how rotten and selfish it really is, how selfish and rotten and insecure I am. And to those people i have hurt, I apologize. My pride has always won because it convinces me that I don't deserve the help and will always have to do it alone. So the gloves are coming off...but the best part is that i am not fighting alone. I not only have my best friend in my corner, I have the Champion of the Universe, the Holy Spirit on my side, and have to rely on Him to fight the big fight.

 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God." -Romans 8:26-27

What more will I sacrifice? What more will I miss out on? Who else will I hurt? Who else will i turn away? What opportunities to share Christ have i missed? And who have I turned away from Christ?

It's it time and am I able?

- to give up this control and finally let God have 100% of my life?
- trust He will kill all of my inner demons?
- let those self-made walls crumble to let new walls build up on Christ as the foundation?

But really...Who am I to think I have any control in all of this? If i've done anything it is to give Christians a bad name because of my stubbornness. God does not need me to do His work, but I do need Him.

 "Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God's Message to you? Are you going to continue this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you weren't smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it? Did you go through this whole painful learning process for nothing? It is not yet a total loss, but it certainly will be if you keep this up!" -Galatians 3:2-4 (The Message)

God, I pray that my life is not a total loss for You and Your kingdom. I'm sorry for hanging onto my pride for so long and by that inviting Satan to have a foothold in my life. I pray that my relationship with You is restored, that my relationship with others be restored...ones that I have let my pride hurt, ruin or cut short because I was afraid of telling the truth or be anything less than cool and perfect. Because being humble and vulnerable is the only way that You will get the glory in the midst of my life and your grace will be apparent.

Humbled

I started writing this to just a few friends, then decided to blog it to everyone because I think it's great truth:

Hey friends,

I just wanted to share some insight I got today while doing my devo's and doing some further bible study on today's "TEN" which was Isaiah 6:1-8.  I'm really working on my pride and wanting to be humble in everything...so I came across a cross reference to Isaiah 6:1-8...it was Job 42:1-6 when talking about being humbled in the presence of God.

I use a website that helps in my study, and for certain scripture gives lessons and commentary to further knowledge.  For your information the website is: http://www.bibletools.org/index.cfm/fuseaction/Bible.show/sVerseID/13924/eVerseID/13929/version/NASB

The following is not my original thinking, nor my words...but they really hit home for me and I didn't even want to attempt to paraphrase them and make them my own.  I have underlined that which stood out to me the most.  They are the words of John W. Ritenbaugh:
==================================
[Job 42:1-6]
"This is the conclusion, the climax, of his long and detailed story. Now Job can see God. From the context, properly seeing God involves getting the self out of the way! As long as self was in his line of sight, Job judged God by his own perspective. Remember, we see what we want to see, what we are educated to see. So Job saw his own wisdom, his own works, and they blocked his view of God in His greatness. The carnal mind is trained to do this.

It takes great determination, discipline in study and in prayer, and meditation to break oneself of that natural, carnal mode of thinking. Even when we succeed, we have to understand that our vision of God still has to be constantly replenished—"day by day," Paul says (II Corinthians 4:16)—and upgraded, refocused, exercised, as it were, in the truth.

Job's case is particularly interesting. Job thought he knew God well, but he was painfully unaware that there was still much that he did not know. During his sufferings, he threw a great many direct challenges at God in an effort either to justify himself or to understand why he was going through this trial. Yet, God never directly answered any of Job's challenges! Instead, beginning in chapter 38, He leads Job to see his own insignificance in light of God's greatness. Most people do not realize that in the entire book Job never repents of sin. Sin is not the issue! The issue is that, despite Job's extensive knowledge of God, he did not see Him as all-powerful! He did realize that God alone puts down evil and brings to pass all of His holy will.

We can tell the real issue in the book of Job by what God says in chapters 38-41. God makes two speeches. It is not Job's self-righteousness—certainly apparent—that God addresses, but his questioning of God's justice in the governance of His creation.

When Job opens his mouth to speak in Job 42:1-6, it is to tell God that he got the point: God's purpose is all that counts! In addition, since He is God, He can bring it to pass. God has the right, the will, and the loving nature to do anything He pleases to anybody at any time—and good will result.

Do we believe that? A caution, however: A man as spiritually mature as Job did not—until the end of the book."
================================ 

We are all on our own journey.  We are all in different places.  And we all have different timings of each aspect, each season.  Whatever may look abnormal when compared to the world's timing, is on course and perfect when compared to God's timing.  

Our lives are not about fitting in to this world and doing things in the way and timing that this society does...it's about bringing glory to God.  It's about being humble in His presence knowing that nothing is of us, but is all of Him...it is perfect, and is well with my soul.

We all know what God wants us to know at this point in our journey, but there is still so much left to learn...as long as we humble ourselves and let Him lead the way. 

"He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way." -Psalm 25:9
 
"The LORD sustains the humble but casts the wicked to the ground." -Psalm 147:6

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD. -Isaiah 55:8

Pride of Life

I have a problem with pride…and if you look at your life hard enough, you’ll find you have some too.  Of all of my downfalls, insecurities and “growth opportunities” (basically a nice way of saying how wrong and human I really am) dealing with my pride seems to be the one that is the most out of reach.  The issue that I can’t seem to get a grasp on even to begin to address it and how it is holding me back from being 100% trusting and truthful in my relationship with Christ.

I used to think that pride was a good thing…especially since I pretty much compare everything to sports.  “I have pride in my team”…meaning I am proud to be a part of the team… “have a sense of pride”…meaning be confident in who I am and what I’m doing…but the more I read and research the word pride and especially in a biblical context I find that it’s not a good thing at all.

James MacDonald defines it this way: “Pride is the attitude of heart which exalts itself above others and above God.”

Wow.  So pride is not good.  Crap.  What have I been hanging onto all these years??  Yup, you guessed it things that I have done, my accomplishments, my awards, my talent, my intelligence…my. My. My. Me. Me. Me.  And that’s when it hit me.

Pride is me, thinking that I have done it all on my own…that I should be proud of making it this far and rising to the top by myself, when in reality it was ALL GOD.  It has ALWAYS BEEN God, it will ALWAYS CONTINUE to be God, and who am I to think otherwise?

“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.”- 1 John 2:15-16

This doesn’t just go for sports and athletes, although that is the easiest way to visualize it for me….it goes for money, fame, social status, schooling, relationships, family…anything.  Whatever we are, and wherever we are has absolutely nothing to do with us or what we have done, but what God chose to do in and for us.

I didn’t get into my college’s or high school’s sports Hall of Fames this year, and to be honest it stung a little that 2 women who were teammates of mine did.  Their stats weren’t as good as mine were, they didn’t have the leadership skills I did, they haven’t given back to the respective alma maters they way I have….so why did they get in and not me? When I heard about both of these women’s inductions I got angry…why?  Because my pride was hurt.  I saw my earthly value wrapped up in the worlds view: an award, 10 minutes of public recognition, and being one of a select group.  I valued that more than what God has done in me and for me throughout those years playing soccer and the years since.

But then I realized it was God who gave me the abilities to play soccer, to lead, run, breathe, communicate, encourage, and love my teammates…and it’s ultimately soccer that introduced me to my best friends, who in turn introduced me to Christ.  HE was working through it all despite my pride and my selfishness.

So are we, who are so full of pride, hopeless?  Naaaaaaaaaa, and that’s the amazing part of it all.

"And those who walk in pride he is able to humble." –Daniel 4:37

Once we realize what the heart issue is behind our pride, we can start to let God deal with it.  And honestly the most amazing part is that God is able to humble us, it’s nothing we have to do on our own…because again if we were able to do it on our own we would never truly get rid of our pride.

And it’s when we realize we have done nothing on our own and we are humble before God that we are truly able to accept and realize all He has done for us from creating us, to saving us, to sustaining us.

Don’t Ever Change

"God, who is enthroned from of old, who does not change— he will hear them and humble them, because they have no fear of God." –Psalm 55:19

I used to hate change.  I forever felt like I always had to adapt to other peoples changes, and that I never had a choice in the matter.  I used to gain confidence when people told me “don’t ever change.”  It’s a compliment, right?  And for me, I would take it as a compliment, but also as a challenge…people liked me for who I was and counted on me to be a rock, to be the same as things in their life hit their highs and lows, the constant in other peoples ever changing lives.

Although at the time I took it as a compliment, I recently realized that I also internalized it and really resisted change.  I get that when people say “don’t ever change” they usually mean change in a bad way…but what if that hinders you from changing in a good way?

I have finally realized that change doesn’t always have to be so bad, and to stay stagnate is worse.  Recently I have been changing, little by little, in a good way…with God’s grace and some honest, truthful, challenging conversations from some fantastic friends, friends that the Lord placed in my life.   And looking back I can see how it all played out and how it contributed to where I’m at right now.

The truth is that we all need to change, we need to change for the better.  But we need to keep in mind the reason for changing.  To become more like Christ and to bring more glory back to Him, the One that is perfect, the One who has stayed the same throughout the ages.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." –James 1:17

9.27.09

Happy Birthday to me!!  I had a wonderful 29th birthday...thank you to all who were a part of it!  While looking back on this past year, I came across a journal entry that I wrote on my birthday last year (hence the 9.27.09 title)

I have grown so much in the past year, but while reading this entry every word was so true that I thought I'd share it:

9/27: Alone time with God
So for the eGroup Retreat Sunday Chapel they gave us 40 minutes to be alone & still before God. When I think of being still & silent, I just think that opening my bible is sometimes a distraction -- so I left it aside.

I knew this alone time fell on my birthday for a reason -- so I wanted to focus on the intent of that & boy did God show me some great truths.  I saw how God is sometimes completely intentional & unintentional.  Somtimes he orchestrates the moment, and other times he uses the moment for His good.

I saw Him there the day I was born.  Choosing September 27th, as the day I would enter the world -- I saw Him there at every birthday -- keeping an eye over me -- making sure I didn't mess up since I wasn't walking with Him yet.  I saw Him gently orchestrating moments & knowing what was to come in my life.  I saw him watching me as I chose to sin, knowing that it was a part of my life He couldn't control, & being sad forme...but then sadness turned to joy because of how He worked it out next.

He began removing the sin, in turn, to break my heart and while my heart was broken he started to bring the pieces of my heart & life back together.  Slowly rearranging those pieces...& though my heart wasn't completely healed and whole, it was complete enough.  God started to knock on those broken pieces of my heart...that splintered door...gently...as to not break it any more, but to get my attention.

While I was alone and very much broken, He used those around me to begin to reveal Himself.  Two of the most unlikly candidates -- complete opposites from me -- He just pulled them into my circle, my life.  And from there kept knocking, knocking, knocking.  He spoke through them, their actions, their love.  He put a desire in my heart to love them & in turn love Him.

Eventually after years of orchestrating, came the day I turned to Him, the day I chose to walk in the light, to be conscious of God's presence in my life & have every day since then.

He was there at the beginning.  He was there every day -- protecting my heart as much as He could with sin bombarding me at every corner.  He used that for His will, for my sake & will continue to do so -- no matter how many times I mess up.

He had a plan for my life & for the past 28 years.  He continues to have a plan for my life & now I have the consciouly look to Him to figure out what that path is.  What His ultimate destination is for me -- where I'm supposed to be in this world.  What role I'm supposed to play for Him & His Kingdom.

Jeremiah 29:11  "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "they are plans for good & not disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

The Lord's plan & timing is perfect, not always for us -- but for Him & the Kingdom which I have to remember.  God: Help me use this time of singleness to the best that I can, to draw me closer to you, to help me experience new things & reveal more of your love to me.  Help me be content in where I'm at & show me the way you want me to go.

Thank you all for being a part of my life, my journey...although it is far from over.  The past 29 years have gone so fast, but I still have so many more to live.

Relational Vacations

Good morning from St. Lucia!  Yup, for those of you who didn't know...I'm on vacation....again.  But before you start turning a little bit green, hear me out:

I do go on more vacations than most, I get that.  I am blessed, and I get that too.  But as I sit here at 7:41am, the early riser of the bunch, I look out and wonder why we can't feel this "vacation calm" feeling at home.  Why we have to go thousands of miles away and spend a decent amount of cash to get to a place where we turn off our cell phones, only check facebook once or twice a day, grab a book, sit with friends, bask in the sun, laugh, snort, and build relationships and memories with one another.

For me it's all about the relationships formed through new experiences...but that doesn't mean I have to go to a tropical island to do that.  The weather is just as nice in Buffalo, NY as it is here in St. Lucia.  There are more people to relate with in Buffalo than St. Lucia.  There is much safer driving in Buffalo than St. Lucia.  I'm here because specific people are with me here.

I'd be just as happy at a local lake, or chilling pool side, or camping, or just sitting outside marveling at the wonders of God through a rain storm, then a rainbow with any one of you reading this.

It's not always about where I am, but who I'm with.  To build those relationships, to share my life and experiences with others.  To do something that makes me just a little bit vulnerable and stretches my faith, to let others see that I'm far from perfect and that I am human.

Granted, I don't have a lot of responsibilities right now: no husband, no kids, no one to support but myself...it's not a choice of mine, it's God's plan for me RIGHT NOW.  You bet I'm going to take it for what it's worth, take advantages of the opportunities that arise whether that keeps me in the country or takes me out of it.

So here's my challenge to you...make your own "vacation".  Stop and smell the roses, marvel at a rainbow, or sit by a lake for awhile.  Turn off the busyness of your life and just take it in, and share it with someone today.

Am I full?

Spending time in the Word has always been difficult for me. Rarely has it been something that I want to do, and more often than not, I find I'm reading and studying more out of an act of obedience. But it's when I really open my heart and am willing to read and study the Bible that I see things I haven't seen before, or learn things about myself and my faith that I tucked away deep inside.

Last October I was kind of forced into going to a Women's Retreat with The Chapel at Crosspoint's women's ministries. I only knew a handful of people, and even those women I didn't know that well: enter me out of my comfort zone. I'm glad I went, as is pretty much always the case when God gets me out of my comfort zone...I got to spend some great time and further friendships and also got to hear Lysa TurKeurst, the president of Proverbs 31 Ministries speak. Ever since then I've been reading her books and following her blog.

Lysa is taking her blog readers through Philippians, starting in Chapter 1 and teaching how to pick up on words and phrases that speak to them in that moment. I'm a day off in reading, as I just started digging into Ch 1 today, and had to stop at verse 11 because I found so much truth in those first 11 verses that it's all my brain can process for the day.

When reading some of Lysa's blog comments, it's amazing how 30 verses can speak differently to so many people, each verse revealing something different to every person. The Bible truly is the living word, showing everyone something different depending on their circumstance, struggle, and what they need to hear most in that specific moment...and yet it all being 100% truth.

While reading a few verses stuck out to me: vs. 3-4; 6; 9-10; & 11 ...can you see why I had to stop after verse 11? SO MUCH TRUTH...CANNOT PROCESS IT ALL!

I wanted to focus on verse 11: "May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation—the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ—for this will bring much glory and praise to God." (emphasis mine)

When I am full, I don't want anything else to eat...my body has taken all it needs and I don't require any more, and at times where I'm really full, nothing else even sounds good. The thought of filling myself with anything else is even painful. When we are told to "always be filled with the fruit of your salvation", we need to look at it the same way. To be full with salvation means that we shouldn't want anything else, if we are truly full.

So are we? Am I? Am I really full with my salvation? If I am then I should want nothing else. I shouldn't look to anything else to satisfy me: not success, not money, not relationships. Jesus owes me NOTHING.

He gave his life for me...and that should be enough to fill me until my last day on earth.

The Road to Reward

From James MacDonald weekly email, it definitely caught my attention, because it's exactly how I'm feeling and so I thought i'd share it with you:

"The one who conquers will be clothed thus in white garments, and I will never blot his name out of the book of life. I will confess his name before my Father and before his angels. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches." - Revelation 3:5-6

If you are a mom or dad, you say some things to your kids over and over. I'm sure there are warnings you give them every day, right? We are all stubborn sheep (Isaiah 53:6), so we don't learn quickly. Important stuff has to be repeated. The letters Jesus wrote to the churches in Revelation were specific, but each church saw all the letters. The repetitions show us His crucial themes.

Revelation 2:7 says, "To the one who conquers." Conquers means"overcomes, doesn’t give up, endures to the end." Similar phrases show up in Revelation 2:10-11, 17, 26 and 3:5.

You and I have got to conquer. Jesus said, "The one who endures to the end will be saved" (Mark 13:13). People who aren't really saved give up and quit. The truth is, we will all experience tough seasons in our lives. We will experience hard weeks or even a rough month or year. But we get moving again. Endurance doesn't save us, but it does prove our salvation. We have to finish strong. We have to pick up the pace as we get older. A real Christian says, "I love Him more and more. 'I press on' (Philippians 3:14) to be sanctified day after day, growing in Christ." That's the life of a believer - one who conquers. Conquerors get the rewards. Rewards will not go to the quitter. They will not go to the "I-tried-it-and-couldn't-do-it" type of people, nor to the "faith-was-just-a-phase-I-went-through" kind of people. All those people? Not conquerors.

"The one who conquers will be clothed thus in white garments, and I will never blot his name out of the book of life." The book of life is the volume containing the names of all the people alive on the face of the earth. If they die outside of the Gospel, without receiving the gift of eternal life that is found in Christ - their names are blotted out of the book. They're not going to live forever.

Jesus said about the conqueror, "I will never blot his name out of the book of life." That promise is awesome. Your name's going to be forever in that book, and you will live in eternity with Christ, if you just endure.

"I will confess his name before my Father." Imagine Jesus saying, "She's one of Ours. Yeah, he's with Us for sure." Conquering means an eternal reward with Christ.

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I am a conquerer. I am persevering. I can't give up. That's all I can say right now. I know that a life with Christ is better than a life without Christ, although that's not what I feel most times. I can't rely on my feelings, I have to rely on truth and the promise in God's Word.

Following Christ is something I will not quit. I wake up and devote that day to the Lord, but most days find myself stumbling and failing daily. But I wake up the next morning and try again. Some days Jesus may seem farther away than others, but I will not give up, I will persevere...I have to.

And I hope you will to.

2009 in review

My expectations for this year were pretty big, after all it was the year of 09-09-09, a day that I was supposed to get married, yes it was a Wednesday and at the start of the year I wasn’t even dating anyone, but a lot could have happened in 9 months right? Well it didn’t, no man, no wedding…but I’m ok with that. Looking back 2009 wasn’t so bad at all. Here’s my 2009 in review:

January:

Just trying to ease in to 2009, nothing exciting happened!

February:

Went to the dentist for the first time in 5 years…only 5 cavities , whoops!

Katie moved back from Virginia to work in Rochester

Took mom to see Mamma Mia at Shea’s, what a great performance! We had a blast

Moved from Lancaster to Cheektowaga at the end of the month. Leah (my old roommate) was getting married in April and her new husband was moving in so I got the shaft! Moved in with Jen and am loving every minute of it…

March:

Went on our annual family week-long vacation to Freeport, Bahamas. Man was it amazing, one of the best vacations yet! We swam with the dolphins, took a Jeep tour around the island, and con-ed the guys at the front desk into giving us an ocean view room because it was our parent’s “25^th wedding anniversary”! 3 pools, beaches and water for as far as your eye can see.

Started a new friendship with Laura, an awesome woman of God who has pushed me to lighten my baggage…I can’t believe we’ve only been friends for 9 months, it seems like a lifetime.

Took a fly/road trip to Wisconsin with Erin to follow the Bona’s women’s Basketball team in their playoff dreams!

Decided to start growing my hair out for one of my BFF’s (Liz T.) wedding in September.

April:

Bought my new Macbook. L-O-V-E it! I can’t believe I waited that long, it truly is amazing and so much better than any PC I have ever had.

Officially moved Katie from Virginia to Rochester, we rented a white PT Cruizer for a one way trip from Buffalo to VA, found out that the horn stuck for a good 20 seconds every time you honked it! Rented a Uhaul to drive from VA to Rochester…we packed that thing FULL and still had to leave some stuff.

May:

Went back down to VA to get the rest of Katie’s things, one of the most eventful trips to VA because we saw a dead black bear on the side of the road!

Went to Pittsburgh to be a 2^nd shooter for a wedding with Rachel…LOVE those times where I get to spend some un-interrupted time with my BFF’s!

Started playing summer soccer in a women’s league in Rochester, Katie came to every game, and I’d like to think I got better throughout the summer! It was nice to reconnect with some teammates from Naz!

June:

Spent the first few days of the month in Saratoga Springs for work

Participated in the local Ellicottville Relay for Life where we raised over $30,000 for cancer research (I even sang the National Anthem for it)…

Took a roadtrip to Turtle Bay, Kentucky for a family reunion, we stayed for about 2.5 days although it took us 4 days to get there! We had a great time with all of the “Zender’s”..my mom & her 2 sisters and all of their families. It was a couple days filled with golf, swimming, games, food, bonfires, golf-cart racing, and golf-cart jumping! Overall it was a really good time because we were all together.

July:

Mom had elbow surgery on the 1^st of the month, so the next couple days were spent home in Allegany playing nurse!

PJ, Bri and some of her family came in for the 4^th of July and we had a great time. We played can-jam and homerun derby where my brother and I tied at 7 homeruns through 3 rounds. I’m waiting til this year to beat him!

My 10 year High School reunion took place at the end of the month, and it was a really good time…and that’s when I realized that I look pretty dang good! I got to reconnect with some old friends that I have lost touch with over the years…I can’t believe it’s been that long. “We’re the sparkle, we’re the shine…We’re the class of ’99!”

August:

Went to KingdomBound all 3 days and had a blast! Got to hang out with my great friends Amber, Holly and Shannon and rock out to some great Christian artists.

Shot the Bonaquist-Willet wedding and had a great time…such a great group. I was able to get pretty creative with some shots too!

Got a raise at work!

Celebrated Katie’s Birthday with some Moon Shoes!

Went to my first ever Bachelorette party for Liz’s wedding…oh man!

September:

Celebrated 09-09-09 with great friends, Jen F., Tami P., Laura L., and Rachel! Went to go see the movie 9 in honor of the day!

Celebrated Liz & JP’s wedding, what a day that was…

Took a family trip out to Andover, MA to visit PJ & Bri and to help with some renovations on their new house, that was a busy 4 days…I was on team A, B & C!

Celebrated my 28^th birthday…holy crap, I’m 28!

October:

Impromptu surprise visit to VA…

Went to a Women’s weekend retreat in Ellicottville and listened to some great speakers…and found one of my new favorites: Lysa TerKeurst from Proverbs 31 ministries

PJ got engaged!

November:

Headed out to Andover, MA again to help PJ with the house. Dad came out too and we worked hard! Then we all drove to Allegany to spend the week together for Thanksgiving.

The weekend after Thanksgiving Becca and I drove to Pittsburgh to shoot a wedding that Rachel was in. What a fantastic weekend of sharing, laughing, and learning!

December:

Went to Albany with some co-workers and helped watch 4-month-old Brendan, had a great time chilling out, eating out and shopping!

Watched A LOT of Christmas movies and did A LOT of Christmas shopping

Celebrated Christmas with almost everyone…

So overall it’s been a great year, and I haven’t even begun to describe all the changes and growth that I have gone through as a person! I’ll save that for another blog.

But I have learned one main thing: I shouldn’t set big goals that are out of my control…I’ll just sit back and see what God has in store for me in 2010.

So hope you’re able to look back on 2009 like I have…that I’ve done A LOT. I’ll try and make 2010 just as interesting but less about me at times.

10 year High School Reunion...

This weekend I will celebrate being graduated from High School 10 years. Technically it's been 10 years, 1 month and 4 days...but who's counting!

So much has changed (especially my eyebrows!), yet so much has stayed the same...and I find myself reflecting on the past 10 years and beyond. I've been told that your personality is shaped in the first 5 years of life, but I have found that a lot that happened my final 5 years of high school impacted my life in a way I'll never forget!

When looking back to my high school years, it's a time that i'd give anything to go back to. I know it's not healthy to dwell on the past, and i'm not...but it was a much simpler time back then: Always being in shape, able to eat whatever you wanted, no job, no responsibility, free food and housing, getting to see your best friends every day, and doing semi-illegal things but never getting caught!

We were all trying to discover who we were, and what our place in this huge world was....how much was acting to be popular, and how much was genuinely ourselves. We had great adults trying to make us wiser, better people...some who'd challenge us, some who'd support us, and some who'd act more like your friend than teacher.

Don't get me wrong, high school was not all fun & games for me....I spent many nights trying to figure out why I was popular in one realm but unpopular in another, thinking i was fat instead of athletic (when looking back i was super skinny!), and wondering how to enjoy myself at a prom where i was the only one without a date...(sob, sob).

But I'd like to think I had a lot of friends...i tried my hand at a lot of different groupings: soccer, basketball (2 weeks there to be exact), softball, theater, senior steering, art, math, AP chemistry...I was all over the place..hanging out with a lot of different people....we'll see what everyone remembers this weekend!

But the one major thing that happened in high school which I am most thankful for is playing soccer and eventually meeting (and liking) my two best friends to this day: Rachel & Rebecca Freer (married last names: Shipman & Johnson respectively and pictured above). It was Mr. Mac, my amazing soccer coach of 5 years that kept both on the soccer team for more than their soccer skill. He kept them on the team for their faith and their skill. And for that I am eternally grateful.

You see it is Becca and Rachel who befriended me at one of the lowest points of my life, and through our friendship and a trip to a winter weekend camp, introduced me to Jesus. Finally, something to live for! What's more amazing than living to bring God to glory and praise. A God who made us perfectly, in His image, who created the world and everything in it....to love others more than I love myself, to show others the amazing transformation that can happen when the truth enters your heart. (Picture from 2008...lookin' pretty good!)

So this weekend, I hope my classmates see the changes that have happened over the past 10 years. From an intimidating, untouchable, unlovable, tomboy athlete to a loving, caring, approachable, feminine Christian.

God really does orchestrate every part of our lives, even if we don't know Him yet. So tell me...how has God worked in your life over the past 10 years?

And here's just one more picture for good measure...um yeah...i was 13!